Enlightenment
by Penfold66
Summary: Arthur finally discovers what has been bothering his manservant...and in the process learns something surprising about himself. Series One, Episode Ten "The Moment of Truth" Missing scene


Merlin had been a little too subdued of late, mused Arthur.

It all seemed to have started around the time that Uther had been challenged by, fought with and then beaten the Knight that had in fact been a wraith. Arthur couldn't quite work out what was wrong with the boy. Perhaps the loss of Owain and Balinor had hit him hard, although Arthur wasn't sure that Merlin had even known these two young Knights particually well. Perhaps he was mistaken. Perhaps Merlin had spent time with them in the tavern - he did seem to spend an awful lot of time in the tavern. Arthur had tried to cajol his servant back into his usual insolent self by teasing him relentlessly about his general ineptitute and less-than-muscular physique. He had bantered thus with his servant since forever, and Merlin had always been ready with a witty retort or at the very least a facial expression that conveyed exactly what he thought of his Master. The boy was guileless and had absolutely no respect for class distinction or rank, so thought nothing of calling Arthur an idiot or a dollop head or even a prat if Arthur had somehow irritated him. The Prince always found this a refreshing change from the overly polite language of the Court and the subserviant attitude of the rest of the staff of the Castle. Now however, Merlin just wasn't playing. He answered Arthur's questions in monosyllables and when the Prince teased him, rather than rising to the challenge he seemed to simply fold in on himself and look utterley miserable. He'd even taken to addressing the Prince as 'Sire' - without any irony - and doing what was requested of him without arguement. This was downright alarming!

Arthur missed the old, snarky Merlin. He wondered what was so wrong with the boy that his personality had seemingly changed overnight. On a more selfish level, he missed the only person in the castle that he could truly be himself with. Damn him, Merlin had somehow become Arthur's best friend and now he'd withdrawn into himself again, Arthur missed him. A lot. He eventually gave up his relentless teasing of the boy, but hoped that whatever was eating at his servant might right itself and that 'his' Merlin would eventually come back.

He'd been standing out on the ramparts overlooking the city in the afternoon, just after Merlin's mother had come to Court seeking help with some bandits that were threatening her village. He was mulling over his father's ruling on the matter when Merlin had appeared beside him. His heart had leapt a little as the boy came up to him unsummoned - it'd been the first time he'd sought the Prince out in weeks. Although he understood Uther's logic, Arthur was truly sorry they couldn't send help back to Ealdor with Hunith, and told the boy so. Merlin thanked him rather formally, calling him 'Sire' again.

Then Merlin had turned around and told to the Prince that he was going back to Ealdor. Arthur had thought it a little bit cheeky that his manservant had simply announced that he would be going, rather than requesting some time off, but he was so pleased to see something of the old Merlin back that he'd let it pass, simply replying, "Of course"

Merlin's true meaning only became apparent when he looked earnestly at Arthur and said, "It's been an honour serving you".

Arthur's heart sank into his boots. He didn't want to believe what he thought Merlin was implying. "You'll be coming back" he almost implored.

"Well she's my mother. I've got to look after her before everyone else. You do understand?" said Merlin quietly, almost apoligetically - not taking his eyes off the Prince's face.

Arthur was feeling a little bit devastated but managed to choke out a rather hoarse, "I'd do exactly the same"

He managed to pull himself back together and blustered some insults at his (now ex-) manservant, "Well, you've been terrible" Merlin grinned his cheeky, slightly manic grin,"Really, I mean it, the worse servant I've ever had"

Merlin looked at him and in a quiet earnest voice said, "Thank you sire". He looked like he might come in for a hug, but then just turned and left. Just like that.

Arthur wasn't quite ready for him to go. He called him back one last time, "Merlin, good luck". Merlin nodded and hurried off. It took all of Arthur's Princely demeanour not to hurry after the boy. As Merlin turned the corner and was hidden from view, Arthur was not a little surprised when he felt a hollow place suddenly appear in the middle of his chest.

Damn the fellow, Arthur was going to miss him!

...

The following morning after Christopher (his old/new manservant) had attended to him in a boringly efficient manner, Arthur was almost elated to learn that Morgana and Gwen had headed back toward Ealdor with Merlin with some notion of dealing with the bandits themselves. Perfect! This was just the excuse he needed to follow the boy! If questioned, he could simply insist that he was there to protect the King's ward who mistakenly thought she was some great she-warrior...that way he didn't even have to admit that he was there for his ex manservant! It was late evening by time he eventually caught up with the party and apart from Merlin (who was so overjoyed to see him that he wouldn't stop looking at him and grinning like some Big Girl with a Mental Affliction) nobody else seemed terribly surprised to see him there. This was interesting.

Their first day in Merlin's home village had been an education in more ways than one. They'd met the troublesome bandits as soon as they'd arrived so Arthur knew what they were going to be up against. Arthur had been shocked by their sheer numbers - it would be a challenge to deal with them without trained Knights or decent weapons.

Arthur had also been shocked at how primitive life was in this tiny hamlet. He thought that life was tough in the Lower Town in Camelot but the conditions there seemed luxurious in comparison to what the people in Ealdor had to make do with. He had no idea how these people survived on such meagre crops and skinny livestock and could now understand how devastating it would be if Canaan took their grain harvest. He thought of Merlin, all gangly limbs and skinny frame, and now understood why there was no meat on the boy!

He'd also met a childhood friend of Merlin called Will. The chap had not liked him at all. Arthur hadn't liked Will much either. He resented the fellows disregard for him, simply because he was of the nobility. More than this however, Arthur resented Merlin's easy manner with Will. He couldn't help but notice how Merlin's face had lit up upon seeing his old friend and how they'd hugged and bantered back and forth, totally at ease. Arthur couldn't stop himself from summoning Merlin to his side as though the boy was still his manservant when he had seen the two of them together. Though loathe to admit it, Arthur was jealous of this Will person and the history that he had with 'his' Merlin.

...

Arthur mused back over the day's events as he settled down to sleep in Merlin's 'bedroom' in Hunith's modest cottage. Actually, 'bedroom' was too grand a title - it was a curtained off corner of Hunith's room and the 'bed' consisted of a straw stuffed cushion on a brushed stone floor. Arthur would've been happy out in the woods, but Hunith would have none of it insisting that it was far too dangerous with all the bandits lurking around. She was probably right. She'd gone to stay with a neighbour and given up her house to the visitors. Morgana and Gwen were fast asleep in Hunith's modest but cosy looking bed.

Arthur had laid down first in this tiny space. When Merlin came in he had started a little and paused briefly before squeezing himself against the far wall and laying with his head next to Arthur's feet. Arthur had been a little stung by this till he realised how small the space actually was. If Merlin had laid beside him right-ways-up, they'd be sharing a pillow which was a little too intimate. Maybe.

Arthur lay a while as Merlin tossed and turned beside him, huffing and wriggling about trying to get comfortable. It should have irritated the hell out of Arthur, but he found it strangely...he wasn't sure what, but strangely pleasant somehow. After a good hour or so, Merlin still didn't seem to have settled. Arthur was also strangely restless but rather than rolling around like a log in a river as Merlin was doing, he stared up at the low straw ceiling and decided to talk.

"Have you always slept on the floor?" he inquired quietly, breaking the silence.

Merlin stilled, surprised that Arthur was still awake and flipped over on his back before answering, "Yeah, the bed in Camelot is luxury by comparison".

"Must have been hard" said Arthur after a pause, happy to have engaged the boy in converstion.

"Mmm, It's like rock" was Merlin's instant response.

Arthur had heard the smile in Merlin's voice as he made this quip and his heart warmed. "I didn't mean the ground, I meant for you - it must have been difficult", he enquired. Suddenly he was curious to learn about the past of this man that was so much part of his own present.

Merlin's tone was much more serious and reflective when he replied, "Not really - I didn't know any different. Life's simple out here. You eat what you grow and everyone pitches in together. As long as you've got a roof over your head you're happy"

Arthur pondered that in silence for a few moments.

"Sounds...nice", he drawled.

"You'd hate it" stated Merlin, matter-of-factly.

Arthur couldn't argue with that, so confirmed, "No doubt"

He was still curious to learn more about what drove this strange, infuriating fellow so after a short silence asked, "Why d'ya leave?"

A long silence before Merlin reluctantly said, "Things... just... changed"

'Intriqueing' thought Arthur, wondering what had changed so much in this boy's life that he'd upped and left everything that he'd ever known. "How?" he asked.

Silence from the other end of the 'bed', although the Prince saw tension build in Merlin's body, and the muscles around his jaw twitch and set. He knew that he was prying, which was unbecoming to a man of his station, but really, he was intrugued! He decided to resort to good old banter and horseplay to try and illicit a response from his reluctant (ex) servant. Playfully he smushed the side of Merlin's pensive face with his Princely foot and said, "Come on - stop pretending to be interesting, just tell me".

Despite himself, Merlin huffed out a throaty laugh as he pushed Arthur's foot away again but too soon, the pensive look was back on his face.

After another silence, Merlin quietly admitted, "I just didn't fit in anymore. I wanted to find somewhere where I did"

Arthur's breath caught in his throat and hope flared in his chest at this admission but he recovered quickly and asked almost immediately (and he hoped not too obviously hopefully) "Had any luck with that?"

Another too-long silence, before Merlin almost whispered, "I'm not sure yet."

Arthur didn't trust himself to pry any further. He wasn't sure he could do so without letting on just how invested in Merlin he actually felt. But, what Merlin had said tonight had given him a ray of hope that maybe he could pursuede the fellow to return to Camelot. His manner suddenly became brusque. As he rolled onto his side, resolutely facing away from Merlin he said, "We start training the men tomorrow. It's gonna be a long day. Get the candle..."

Merlin blew out the candle by his head, plunging the 'room' into total darkness, and silence.

...

Arthur wasn't sure how much time had passed but he wasn't having much luck falling asleep. He lay on his side listening to the gentle breathing of Gwen and Morgana from the bed feeling jealous of their untroubled slumber and comfy bed. Merlin's breathing from behind him was a little harsher and his breaths seemed to be a little shallow but he had stopped fidgeting so Arthur assumed he must have dropped off to sleep too. The Prince's mind was racing. He wondered how they would be able to overcome Canaan and his men with such limited resources, he wondered at how angry Uther would be when he realised what not only his Ward but also his son had gone against his decree and come to Ealdor. Mostly though, he wondered if Merlin would come back to Camelot when all this was over, or whether he had used Ealdor's plight simply as a convenient excuse for leaving Arthur's service. He wondered again what might have caused Merlin's seeming change of personality in the last few weeks (though he had to admit that the boy was behaving more like his old self since Arthur had joined their party en route to Ealdor). He hoped to all the gods that Merlin would come back, he couldn't quite imagine what life would be like back in the castle without this isolent son-of-a-peasant!

It was on this last uncomfortable thought that he flipped back over , momentarily forgetting the cramped sleeping arrangements and accidently kicked the aforementined son-of-a-peasant in the head. Merlin huffed out an "Ooof", tutted and then grabbed Arthur's ankle and held it firmly in place. Arthur started to whisper an apology and to wrestle his foot back from Merlin's grasp when suddenly he heard the boy snort a quiet laugh and suddenly felt a hot wet firm tongue lick it's way up his instep from heel to toe. The sensation was so unexpected and so pleasant that he couldn't stop himself from letting out a very audable gasp which was followed by a most unmanly yelp when Merlin gently nibbled the inside of his big toe!

"Merlin what in heaven's name are you DOING?" Arthur hissed into the darkness, his voice sounding a little more hoarse and breathy than he would have liked. In response Merlin sniggered, held resolutely onto the foot despite Arthur's attempt to pull it free and nibbled on his big toe again.

Despite his indignation, Arthur couldn't help the flush that spread across his face and was thankful for the pitch darkness of the room. He rather alarmingly felt himself begin to get aroused. This would not do. This would not do at all! As silently as he could, and employing all of his knightly training he finally managed to wrestle his foot from Merlin's grasp and to get the boy in a tight headlock using his thighs and a bent knee. As he struggled Merlin let out a quiet "Argghh!" noise and snuffled as his body shook with laughter despite the obviously uncomfortable headlock he'd suddenly found himself in.

Arthur sat up without letting his leg's grip on Merlin's neck relax and the boy let out another muffled "Arggh-oooff!" as he tried to wiggle his head out. Arthur shot a hand out and closed it over Merlin's mouth, hissing "Merlin shhhh, what the HELL are you playing at?"

Merlin stilled beneath him, the shaking caused by laughter suddenly ceasing as he sensed Arthur's irritation. The Prince was just wondering what to do next and was all set to release the boy when suddenly Merlin started licking circles into the palm of the hand that was clasped over his mouth.

Arthur hissed out a quiet, shocked noise that sounded something like "Ghaaa!" before simulteneously pulling his hand away and relaxing his legs, thus releasing Merlin from his headlock. Merlin was at a very awkward angle, and once again shaking with stifled laughter so as soon as Arthur released his vice-like grip, the boy collapsed sniggering into The Prince's lap. Merlin scrabbled about blindly for a couple of seconds trying to get purchase on the floor so that he could sit up. In the pitch darkness he inadvertently put his palm down on Arthur's abdomen...and froze when he felt the erection that was evident there. Arthur in turn pulled himself away from the touch and held his breath wondering what the hell to do next. Despite the darkness his eyes were wide with mortification.

In less than a second he felt hands fumble up to his shoulders and grasp him either side of his head. Before he managed a gasp of surprise or alarm (perhaps Merlin was trying to throttle him for getting aroused during their brief wrestle?) Arthur was knocked down into a laying position again by the weight of Merlin on his chest and any cries or gasps of alarm that might have escaped him were muffled by surprisingly soft lips that captured his own. The fact that his mouth was open in shock meant that the insolent fellow licked straight into his mouth and plundered it making small needy noises as he did so. As soon as he heard these noises Arthur responded in kind. He kissed back and his eyes closed as he let himself be taken over by sensation. He wasn't exactly sure where the passion had come from but suddenly he couldn't get enough of Merlin. He let his legs relax and open so that the boy could snuggle in closer, and slowly cupped one hand at the nape of Merlin's neck and the other he laid onto the hand that still cradled his cheek. He responded in kind to the kiss. With Merlin nestled against him thus, he could feel the boy's arousal against his own causing him to let out a deep throaty groan and kissed even more passionately.

Suddenly Merlin stilled above him and began pulling back from him. Arthur blindly pushed his head forward, trying to recapture the errant lips that were now placing butterfly kisses on the corners of his mouth and tip of his nose rather than plundering as they had just been doing. But Merlin held him in place with hands cupped around his jaw and frustrated his attempts to deepen the kiss again. "Merlin?" he asked in a hoarse whisper. At the sound of his name Merlin began trembling in little shudders and suddenly Arthur felt something wet and shockingly warm running down the side of his nose. Merlin was crying.

When he realised this, something previously unexplored opened up in Arthur's heart and he was simply overwhelmed with love for his friend. He laid Merlin's head in the crook of his neck and pulled him into a tight hug using both arms and legs and quietly "shushed" into Merlin's ear and stroked his unruly curls.

Merlin shook with silent sobs and little trembles and Arthur held on to him tighter and gentled him. Eventually the shaking subsided and Merlin heaved a huge sigh.

"S-sorry" he whispered into the darkness, "I'm sorry. I had no right to do that. P-please don't hate me. P-please forgive me. It's just you're so...". The whisper trailed off and the shaking began again.

"Merlin" hissed Arthur, "Stop this. Just stop. Shhhhhh". He frantically stroked the boy's hair but the shaking just intensified and he felt a wet warmth at his shoulder. "Merlin, please stop" he whispered in alarm.

Suddenly there was a disgruntled moan and a noise of shifting from the bed. Arthur froze and Merlin's breath caught in his throat. They stayed as still as statues until the body in the bed turned over and huffed out a contented sigh and the breathing evened out again.

Arthur couldn't leave things as they stood. He used his superior strength to haul Merlin upright and pulled him by the wrist out into the living room of the cottage, past the glowing embers of the fireplace and out through the door into the cool autumn night.

Once outside Arthur dragged the sniffling boy toward an outhouse and pushed him against the wall. The moon was almost full and the night clar and cloudless so Arthur could make out Merlin's features quite well. His eyes were watery and his lips were full and puffy and quivering as he tried to quell his weeping. In the moonlight Arthur thought he looked otherworldly and almost beautiful. Arthur fought the urge to dive in for a kiss again. He grabbed the boy's upper arms, looked into his eyes and asked, "Merlin, what's wrong? What's going on? Why are you crying?"

Merlin shook and tears streamed down his cheeks unhindered, he said nothing and turned his face away from Arthur, biting his lip. Arthur grabbed his chin and pulled his face back round and moved in closer. He wanted to shout in frustration but it was the middle of the night so he took a deep breath and asked again, this time imploringly, "Merlin, speak to me. Please. I don't understand what's going on here."

Merlin drew in his breath and heaved out a huge sigh. "I'm sorry" he said quietly, eyes downcast, "I'm sorry. I'm supposed to be your servant, to look after you and protect you. I never meant to feel this way about you. It just happened. I couldn't stop it. I know it's ridiculous and I could never be anything to you apart from your manservant and I can't bear it any more. I'm sorry. Please let me go. Please go back to Camelot and forget about me. Please don't hate me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" As he spoke he began sobbing again. Arthur had never been very good with crying and was utterly alarmed.

"Hey hey!" he said, gently holding Merlin's chin between forefinger and thumb, "Hey, shhhhhhhhh". With his other hand he reached up and thumbed away the still-falling tears.

"P-please Arthur", Merlin said hoarsely, "I know I'm all wrong. Please - just go back home and forget about me"

Arthur moved his other hand up and cupped Merlin's cheeks. "That" he said, moving in closer and blocking Merlin against the wall with his whole body, "isn't going to happen". He leaned forward and planted a gentle chaste kiss on the boy's lips. "I don't know what exactly is going on here, but I do know that I need you to come back to Camelot and that life is excrutiatingly dull without you so please, please stop this 'Just forget me' nonsense because I don't think I could"

Merlin blinked rapidly at him in disbelief, lips slightly parted.

"I also know that I really, really REALLY have to do this" continued Arthur, closing the remaining distance between them and greedily capturing Merlin's lips and kissing him passionately. Merlin let out a needy whine at the back of his throat and responded, grabbing Arthur's hair in both his fists. They kissed and explored eachother's bodies greedily for a while. Arthur shuddered as Merlin's autumn-chilled hands crept under his shirt and explored his shoulders chest and abdomen. In his turn he was surprised to discover that despite looking like an underfed greyhound, Merlin's long torso and arms were covered in tight well-formed muscles. Arthur had never touched a man thus before and was surprised to find that it wasn't at all unpleasant. Their tentative explorations inevitably headed southward and almost at the same time they found eachother with hands cupping the other's hips. Merlin paused and pulled back from thier fervent kissing. He looked down at his hands, thumbs stroking their way into the waistband of Arthur's trousers then glanced up through his eyelashes searching the Prince's eyes questioningly. With an almost inperceptable nod Arthur gave his assent and leaned his forehead against Merlin's. He watched with ragged breath as the boy's hand moved into his breeches and down to his cock. When Merlin took him in hand he let out a quiet gasp and leaned in to nip at the boy's neck. He felt as well as heard Merlin's reponding deep throated groan and this prompted him to slip his hands into Merlin's breeches, cupping a pert muscular arse cheek in one hand and seeking out the hot silky cock with his other. When he found and encircled it in his fist, Merlin flung his head back against the wall and made a high pitched keening noise. He looked down at Arthur with hooded eyes and a slack jaw and this was all the prompting that Arthur needed to start moving his hand.

It seemed to take no time at all as their kissing and stroking became more and more frantic. Arthur felt Merlin tensing up and he began to let out little high pitched breaths that got louder and louder. To prevent him waking the entire village, Arthur captured his lips and muffled his cries in a deep kiss. As he felt Merlin come, shuddering and pulsing into his fist, Arthur found his own release and groaned against Merlin's neck. He was still trying to catch his breath and regain his footing when Merlin started planting butterfly kisses into his hair and cheeks and huffing "Arthur, I love you, I love you" as he did so.

When he'd regained his composture and righted his clothes Arthur gave Merlin one last kiss and stood back, cupping his cheek. "We should get back indoors" he whispered as Merlin leaned his head into the touch, a half-lidded and dopey smile on his lips, "It really is going to be a long day tomorrow". Merlin sleepily nodded his consent and let Arthur lead him back indoors and back to 'bed'. This time though, they slept side by side, Arthur spooned behind Merlin, their fingers intertwined beneath the thin blanket.

...


End file.
